Divorce Derailed
Getting Your Divorce Back on Track with the Trial Prep Boot Camp
-
Most people hope for a divorce that's quick, easy, and painless, but sometimes they become derailed by high-conflict tactics.
• In a high-conflict divorce, one spouse may engage in subtle emotional and financial abuse.
• They may try to control the situation and wear the other spouse down.
• They may fail to maintain the "status quo" in terms of financial obligations.
• They may refuse to provide the necessary documentation for the divorce process.
• They may suddenly stop participating in mediation or negotiations.
•They may try to portray the other spouse as crazy, helpless, or out of control.
• A good divorce attorney can help you navigate through a high-conflict divorce.
• They can help you to develop a strategy, prepare for trial, and protect your interests.
• They can help you to reclaim your story, your calm, and your strength.
Most people want a hassle-free divorce. They imagine it’s like a medical appointment: you go in for a routine check, and everything seems fine. Perhaps you need to incorporate more fiber into your diet, and that's it. You don't have to stress about your health anymore. That is the type of divorce most individuals hope for. One that's as easy as saying, “We’re divorced. There’s yours, here’s mine,” and be done with it. They want a divorce that’s swift, painless and doesn't drain their time, energy, emotions, or finances.
However, life doesn't always go according to our plans. Regrettably, there are times when you visit the doctor, and they respond to your concerns with a pondering, “Hmm,” conduct some tests, and before you know it, you're fighting for your life. In the past, not having time to watch your favorite TV show might have caused you stress, but now, you would give anything for that level of tranquility. Ordinary stresses would be a break from the anxiety and worry about your future health that is with you almost every second.
Anyone in the middle of a high-conflict divorce can probably relate because intense levels of anxiety and stress are common in high-conflict divorces.
By high-conflict divorces, I don’t just mean the ones that, by all appearances, have dramatic amounts of conflict, with demands, threats, and abusive words or actions coming from the other side. There is another form of high-conflict divorce that is based much more on subtle emotional and financial abuse than on actions like overt physical abuse that are easier to prove in court.
I’d like to describe it to you because it’s so common, so devastating, and so possible to fight if you can see what’s happening.
In this kind of conflict, your spouse counts on you to believe that if you follow the rules, they will too. They count on you to give them the benefit of the doubt and not assume the worst or even question their motives as they pile micro-aggressions around you. They know you want the divorce to be simple, and they dangle the promise that it will be, but they keep making things harder for you, raising your stress levels. It’s a calculated mind game, full of WTF moments—and they count on you to hardly say a word.
The scenario usually goes something like this:
Everything appears to be fine at first glance, but subtle shifts are taking place in your marriage.
Your spouse is managing to cover the bills, the mortgage, and utilities, but now he is only meeting the minimum payments on your credit card. It seems like some services are being reduced, too. The gardener, for example, who used to take care of the yard weekly, isn't around anymore. And it’s been quite a while since your last trip, hasn't it? Nothing big to worry about, but something’s off.
Then, perhaps something unusual happens, but there's an explanation that sounds reasonable. Something like your spouse comes to you and says, “Our accountant suggests that due to new tax laws, filing separate tax returns would be more beneficial, don't you agree?” So you go along. After all, if your accountant recommends it, it must be a good idea, right?
However, these small issues keep coming, and with the emotional distance you’re sensing in your spouse, which has lasted for how long, something just doesn't seem to align.
You have a consultation with a divorce attorney, and you are sharing your wish for an amicable divorce. After all, you've had a lengthy marriage. You have twins who are off to college next year. This divorce journey doesn't have to be overly complicated. The family has a decent financial situation. Everything will turn out all right, and you believe that story you have been telling yourself.
The divorce gets off to a relatively straightforward start.
You find it stress-relieving that your spouse agrees to maintain the “status quo” in covering all the same financial responsibilities of the family, like the mortgage, utilities, and health insurance, as you both agree to work toward negotiating a divorce settlement.
To get the ball rolling on your divorce negotiations, your lawyer mentions the need for a statement of net worth. This document, she explains, details your expenditures, earnings, assets, and liabilities. It's a crucial part of the divorce process, as it helps establish the need for appropriate levels of child and spousal support, also known as maintenance. It also enables you and your lawyer to identify marital assets, debts, and separate property that belongs to you and that you want returned.
You dedicate quite a bit of time to preparing this statement. It can feel a bit overwhelming, meticulously going over your budget and determining the precise figures to include. It's like dissecting your finances. You get stuck in places, wondering what if an expense is only for one year? This form asks for monthly expenses—have you calculated right? How much will you hurt yourself if your numbers are too low or too high? You keep wondering how you should approach this.
You've shared with your attorney that you put your own pre-marriage property towards buying the marital home many years ago, and you're hoping to recover this investment. Your lawyer points out that without the necessary documents to prove the money you put in was separate from funds you brought into the marriage, it's generally assumed to be marital property. This means you won't receive what's referred to as a separate property credit.
For instance, if the house was sold for $1,000,000 and you had invested $100,000 into its purchase, you'd typically get your $100,000 back as your separate property contribution, and then the remainder would be divided equally. However, you're confident that this won't be an issue, as your spouse is aware that the money you put in came from your savings before marriage. They’re not going to lie about that or make you prove it. “No worries at all,” you keep saying to yourself.
Time passes. You and your spouse each fill out a statement of net worth and then share them with each other. You're certain you've done all you could to make it perfect. You’ve dedicated significant time to ensuring everything is meticulously accurate and detailed. You’ve answered all the form questions, including account numbers and exact figures.
Meanwhile, you notice that your husband has created a statement of net worth that was written by hand. Most of the monthly expenses for food and clothing or vacations are just estimated numbers rounded to the nearest zero. The asset section says, “not in possession of the documents, will update shortly. “
Then you begin to wonder: why is my spouse dragging their feet?
Next thing you know, your husband and his attorney request a conference before the court, and in a month, you are summoned before the court.
But an unexpected event occurs when you're at court. Your spouse, along with their lawyer, approaches you in a warm and inviting demeanor. They suggest, "This situation seems to be getting out of control. How about we involve a mediator and find a fair resolution?"
You are so relieved. You never wanted to be in court. You never wanted any conflict. You would much rather resolve things out of court, so you happily agree to their request for mediation.
But once you’ve left court, you realize you did not work out any of the temporary support numbers, nothing for child support or maintenance. You also did not receive a comprehensive statement of net worth, which makes you curious about what your spouse could be keeping from you.
Your attorney says, “Don’t worry. Your spouse will continue to pay the status quo, to pay the mortgage, utilities, private school, and everything will be worked out in mediation.”
After a few sessions with the mediator, things seem back on track. You made your specific request for child support and maintenance. You discussed what needs to be done to value the marital home and your husband’s dental practice. Things are moving forward.
Then, all of a sudden, your spouse decides to end mediation.
Not only that, but they also stop maintaining the status quo. They stop paying the fixed monthly costs like mortgages, utilities, and health insurance.
You email your husband to find out what is going on.
He responds that we should allow the attorneys to handle this moving forward.
You start to panic, but then you receive a text from your spouse saying, “Don’t worry, I just Venmoed you funds.”
But when you check your phone, you see the amount received is only for about 50 percent of what you requested in mediation.
“How is this fair?” you say to your attorney. “Do something.”
But then, for some reason, nothing happens.
You borrow money from your family to make do.
You start running up your credit card bills.
You say to yourself, if your husband is not going to do what is necessary in this divorce, you will.
You retain that expert the mediator suggested to value your husband’s dental practice.
You have your attorney send a document request to your husband’s attorney and ask that they give you a revised statement of net worth.
Next time you go back to court, there is a new judge. “What happened to the old judge?” you wonder.
“How is the case going?” the judge asks.
“Horrible,” you think.
He is not paying me what he is supposed to be paying me.
Your husband responds you have more than enough money to pay for your expenses.
You say you want to value his dental practice.
He says it is worthless, and if you want to value it, fine, but he is not paying for it.
You also start to feel your attorney is not focused on your divorce.
Emails are not responded to.
Your phone calls are not returned.
You start to think your attorney wants out of this case and does not want to be your lawyer anymore. You thought they were supposed to be your support throughout this ordeal.
You finally confront your attorney.
She mentions that she's no longer in a position to represent you. In fact, she's transitioning from family law to becoming an estate attorney. However, she has recommended someone who specializes in resolving cases and given your preference for settlement, this could be a worthwhile consultation.
After a very productive consultation, you hire this new attorney.
However, following a month of intense settlement talks with your spouse’s attorney, this new lawyer says to you this case cannot be settled and suggests getting a divorce attorney who tries cases.
You plead with your settlement attorney to go to court with you, and the attorney responds that that is not something they do.
You are then forced to go to court alone.
Now you’re in the thick of it, doing things you never intended to do. You’re now the person who represents themselves in a divorce, like someone who is losing it in a movie. This is so surreal.
When you go to court, and the judge sees you are now representing yourself, the judge declares that time has run out. “You've had ample opportunity to prepare and resolve this case, so now I am going to schedule a trial.” You say you need time to get an attorney. The judge says, “You will have thirty days to get an attorney, and then I will schedule a firm trial date three months later, and if you still don’t have an attorney, madam, this case will continue regardless. Is my point understood?”
Just as you're about to respond that you only want to settle this divorce and that your husband is the one who is making this impossible, the judge interrupts with a call for the next case. You're dismissed, and the court officer escorts you out of the courtroom.
You glance at your spouse and his attorney. They’re chuckling at you as this unfolds.
“How are you going to find an attorney to prepare for trial in such a short amount of time?” you think. “What have I done to myself? I am going to be homeless and destitute!”
“I don’t have money for an attorney. I need help. And even if I got an attorney, I don’t have the documents I need for court because he won’t give me any! I don’t even have a valuation of his business!”
The story could end there, with you winding up not homeless and destitute but remaining in a state of panic, walking into court for the trial stunned and unprepared, and receiving far less than you’re entitled to. But there’s a better scenario, one that I have seen and been a part of many times:
After a few weeks of feeling helpless, you reach out to everyone you know who has been through a divorce, and you finally find a good-hearted soul who says, “If you need an aggressive crafty attorney, call this one.”
You Google him. The reviews say he is compassionate, but one review caught your eye, it says, “He can defend well against very aggressive and combative opposition lawyers.” You are thinking that your husband’s lawyer is aggressive. I mean, they will not even agree to have your husband’s business valued.
You look at his website. You see, he has written a book about divorce, a podcast, and blogs regularly. You are getting the sense he thinks deeply about divorce.
You make the call and schedule a consultation with his office.
After spending a couple of hours in consultation with him, your feelings take a different turn. You learned more in this consultation than in the past few years of your case. Your thinking has evolved.
Every narrative you share with him, he dismisses. He explains to you that you're interpreting things from their viewpoint. That their influence is heavily present in your thoughts. He suggests that all this while, you've been the mouse in a cat-and-mouse game and that you are being toyed with. They are engaging in mind games with you, and you're falling into their snares without even realizing it's a game. You believe it's reality. You insist it feels real.
He gently reminds you that it's crucial to elevate your thinking. He emphasizes the importance of understanding the concept of framing and how to make the most of what's available. He explains that in the realm of divorce, it's not solely about the truth. Instead, it's about how the truth is perceived. Therefore, you must craft a narrative that the court will find credible. You’ve let yourself be painted as a crazy, helpless, out-of-control victim. But you can tell a stronger, truer story about who you are—and who your spouse really is.
“If you're prepared to embark on this journey, I'm available to guide you in preparing for the trial,” the lawyer tells you. “I like to refer to this as our trial prep boot camp. I encourage you to see yourself as a boxer. Boxers undergo rigorous training camps to ready themselves for the big fight.”
“Typically, a boxing training camp lasts around 12 weeks,” he says, and “in the case of trials, we usually require about the same amount of time to adequately prepare, assuming we have proper discovery, which we do not have in your case. Given that the trial is just two months away, we'll be running a condensed version of the trial prep boot camp.”
He tells you that even with this shortened time frame, “If you're able to commit fully, acknowledging the tough days ahead, and if you can channel your energy towards envisioning the post-divorce life you desire, there's a possibility that you could emerge from this divorce with the financial security you're seeking.”
“Just bear in mind,” the lawyer tells you, “that this won't be an inexpensive investment. It's also going to require a full commitment of your energy, emotions, and time for the upcoming two months. While it may seem costly initially, the focus is on the value it brings.”
The lawyer assures you that only a single payment is required from your side. The rest, he hopes to obtain from your spouse. “This one-time payment might seem substantial to you,” he says, “but by the end of this process, you'll realize that it's a small investment for the outcome you're seeking.”
He doesn’t twist your arm. “Why not think it over?” he says. You’re beginning to feel hopeful and understood. “Most individuals struggle to adequately prepare for trials. They hope for a settlement and often approach it with a weak strategy. We, on the other hand, will come in strong, as prepared as possible given the circumstances, and with that strength, we aspire to secure the outcome you rightfully deserve.”
“You’re on board”, you say. “Fantastic,” the attorney replies, “we will email you a retainer for your review.”
As you are leaving his office he says, “I can't guarantee that you'll get everything you desire, but I’ll do everything within my capacity to help you navigate through this in a creative and not reactive manner.”
“All I want is for you to get you back on your feet and move on with your life in the best way possible.”
The theme song from Rocky doesn’t start playing at these moments, but the anxiety begins to lift when people in these kinds of difficult divorces see that there are strategies based on helping them work to reclaim their stories, their calm, and their strength. A conversation with a wise divorce attorney can make all the difference in your divorce.
Inquire for more information on the trial prep boot camp.